I could talk about "the grind", but I've been down that road.
Instead I'll just reinforce what a challenge it is.

Let it never be said that anyone can do this.
I haven't felt rested in weeks.
Every joint in my body feels like it's rusting solid.
My body is telling me it's time for a rest.
It's all a fight.
Worse yet is the emotional toll.
There's no one to tell me it's OK to be afraid.
No one to commiserate with about the details of my hell.
I'm alone in the fight and maybe that's the way it's meant to be.
Maybe that way when all is said and done I can hold my head high knowing that I did this.
All I know for sure is my small apartment seems ever so large when I flip on the lights.

It's times like this I think about all I've lost in the last couple of years.
I don't know if it's an impulse driven by the ever changing climate of my mind during fight training or if it's a self-preservative measure.
One that ensures there is fuel to burn.
Whatever the case may be, there is indeed ample fuel.


Someone asked me recently what kept me going; what kept me hungry.
I couldn't answer in a straight forward, honest fashion.
Instead I threw out the usual fighter euphemisms that have been regurgitated by countless generations of pugilists.
When the lights went out that night I tossed and turned.
I gagged on that question for hours.
What was it that kept me going?
Who was I doing this for?
Was I doing it to prove wrong those who've doubted me over the years?
Was I doing it to prove anyone can do whatever they put their minds to?
Was it to show my prowess in the ring?
Was it anger?
Pride?
Passion?
Was I doing it to feel like all that I've given up in the name of my sport was worth something?
Or was it simply so I could look in the mirror and finally feel some measure of pride?
I still can't answer that question.

I think I've dished out my pre-packaged, SportsCenter-ready answers a few times since.
'You just have to dig deep and know that if you commit yourself and do the best you can do, there is no way you can lose; even if you're not called the winner.'
At the end of the day, I still wrestle with the question.
I think maybe it's a mix of all of those things.
I hope the answer will be clear when I step out of that ring.


I still can't tell if the fear is natural.
None of this feels natural.
So many people are calling me crazy for doing this and it's starting to sink in.
Doubts are starting to seep into the tiny cracks in my foundation.
The ones that I've haphazardly thrown a coat of paint over.
I'm feeling like I'm the least prepared fighter out of our team.
I'm finally able to visualize looking up at my opponent from my back.
Hearing the condolences of my family and friends.
Seeing the disappointed, disgusted, impossible to mask looks of those I care so much about as I lose.
Losing.
Shame.
Injury.

I suppose I'm writing this all here to get it out of my system.
I haven't felt like I could say this to anyone.
Hopefully it will bring me some peace.
A rest-filled night.

I fancy myself one of the more intelligent fighters out there.
I pray I'm smart enough to work this all out before it consumes me.
On my own.

-Drew

I've conceded defeat on this blog.
It's become apparent that no one reads the damn thing.
So rather than pound my head into an already thick wall, I'm slowly backing away.

If you want to track progress of day to day stuff, you can check out my DailyMile profile at:
http://www.dailymile.com/people/DiemStudios

-Drew

For this week's song, I picked a little something rougher.
If you know me I'm a big fan of Eminem; I prefer the angry, serious Eminem to the goofy, triumph-the-comic-dog-like Eminem.
With that said, I offer up this week's anthem:

"Drop the World" by Lil Wayne & Eminem

"I swear one way or another I’ma make these ... haters believe."

-Drew

"You may not think the world needs you, but it
does.  You are an unique, one-time, unrepeatable event in
the Universe. There has never been nor will there ever be
anyone else exactly like you.  No one can speak with your
voice, smile your smile or shine your light. No one can
take your place, for it is yours alone to fill. If you are
not there to shine your light, who knows how many
travelers will lose their way as they try to pass by your
empty place in the darkness."


- Lawrence  Mahar

Big ups to my Mom for sending me this quote. It was well-placed, just when I needed it. Thanks Mom.

-Drew